exactly one year ago to the day, on the prettiest fall afternoon, i did something i had been waiting to do for a very long time.
i got my first tattoo.
and even though it’s still my only one – i know that it’s always going to be my favourite & most significant one.
not only because it honours Harley – but because it honours me as well.
me & my fairly newfound courage to do what i want. to do what makes me happy. what feels right to me.
i don’t think that i’ve ever been a classic people pleaser, but i have definitely found myself in relationships where i didn’t always follow through with doing what i wanted.
a tattoo was just one of those things.
none of my partners ever had a tattoo or really liked them. and although they never directly said ‘i forbid you to get one’ the comments of ‘they look trashy’ or ‘why would someone do that to themselves’ kept me from finding an artist i loved & booking an appointment.
and that’s on me – it’s really not their fault at all.
even my list of intentions i showed in my previous post (where i talked about buying my home) had people sharing their opinions on ink. the third item on the list i shared is to get a sleeve.
a full arm of artwork.
which i WILL do when i feel comfortable with the pandemic situation.
but i got a few messages from people letting me know that they didn’t think it was a good idea. that i was so pretty, why would i want to cover myself in something like that.
even though those folks were super kind about it & said it in a very loving way – it still brought up old feelings that i didn’t like at all.
the way i used to feel when i was judged by the person closest to me for being too ‘weird’.
for wearing too much black. for having short hair. for having bright red hair. for having stretched ears (in my younger years). for owning ‘pitbulls’. for loving depressing poetry & reading dark graphic novels. for liking purple lipstick.
all outside things.
i was still funny. i was still kind & loyal & loving. i was still me.
they just didn’t like the way others may have seen me – based on my outer appearance.
i can’t even tell you the amount of times i’ve heard & still hear ‘you are so beautiful but… you would look even better with long hair… if you wore more colour… if you wore more natural makeup’… & that can sting. a lot.
especially when it came from the person who was supposed to love me the most.
i know now, after several relationships, that i will never again be with someone that i can’t be myself 100% around.
someone who accepts me as i am in my skull t-shirts & messy hair.
because all of that is just the outer packaging.
if you really love the person for who they are, maybe you shouldn’t care so much about what they wear or how others perceive them.
and if you’re in a relationship currently & you find yourself changing or hiding who you truly are to please your partner – i’m begging you to stop that right now.
show the real you. the natural you.
if they don’t like it – so be it.
there is someone out there who will love you the way you are. i know it’s a cliche that mamas tell their kiddos all the time – but they tell us that for a damn good reason.
it’s the truth!
and from personal experience i can honestly say – it’s so much better to be alone, loving yourself, than to be with someone who turns you into someone you’re not.
because you will eventually grow to hate the both of you… the empty shell of the person you’ve become… & the person who pushed you to that point.
so please love yourself enough to be yourself.
and don’t let anyone – especially your partner – tell you that you’re not good enough.