do you ever want to throw your hands up in the air & scream ‘STOP’ at the top of your lungs?
at yourself? when your brain or your heart or your emotions are just racing & getting louder than ever?
that’s the image i picture in my mind when i feel things getting out of control & anxiety is starting to run me over.
i mean, the thought probably isn’t as satisfying as actually doing it – but i do have neighbours & a dog that i don’t want to startle.
but i do really like the idea of a hard stomp on the brakes. a slap to my own face – like get it together girl – you’re in control.
a concept that’s easy to forget, i know. but it’s true… we’re the ones in control of our lives.
for the last couple of years now, i have been caught in a continuous cycle of regaining my control, starting to get things back on track, falling back into the debris of my broken life, numbing, hiding out, blaming others…
but you have to put your own foot down with your own damn self.
it’s the first step to getting your crap together & getting yourself out of the mucky place you’re in.
it’s how you can start building the foundation for your new life.
and thankfully, you can put your foot down & start putting that foundation down anywhere, at any time you’d like – you just have to decide.
you have to decide to stop running, stop numbing, stop hiding… instead making the brave, bold choice to fight.
for your happiness, your peace of mind, your life – & to live that life exactly how you want, regardless of how others may see you, judge you, criticize you, or all of the above!
and now is the perfect time to make that commitment, or recommit to yourself. at least for me it is.
summer was always so good in my past life… beach trips, road trips, concerts, ball games, camping – it was when things were the sunniest & happiest for my ex & i.
and that leads to plenty of flashbacks to those better days.
sometimes, when i see other families or couples, i think of my old family & all the times we had together that weren’t spent fighting or crying or begging someone else to seek help.
and then there are times when i can go whole weeks without thinking of any of that & it’s almost like it never even happened.
even before therapy, i knew that healing wasn’t linear & that there are hard parts or ‘downs’ all along the way.
if you’re anything like me, you’ll have these bursts of positivity, where you see things so clearly & you’ll feel powerful & ready to move on, but then the next moment you’ll be slipping right back into heartbreak.
not the ‘love them, miss them, want them back’ kind of heartbreak… but a strange new kinda break.
and that’s an odd place to be in.
you feel something… but it’s not exactly sadness. not anger, not self-pity.
it’s like a feeling i’ve never had before & a feeling i’ll probably never have about anyone else.
the best i can explain it is a sort of love for someone who you don’t actually love at all anymore.
you don’t hate them… but you don’t not hate them.
it’s weird, what can i say.
especially when you come across an old picture or someone asks you how the divorce is going or what you think of his girlfriend.
but regardless of how you feel or what is going on around you (or what the clueless fools are asking you) – hit the brakes, scream out ‘stop’ if you think it will help & then move forward.
again & again & again. as many times as you need to.
i mean you’ve already come so far.
whether you have already left your toxic relationship, you’re currently packing your stuff to leave or you’re making the decision right now in your mind that you deserve better & you’re ready to feel good again.
it’s all incredibly uncomfortable & extremely painful but that is where the biggest change happens, where you’ll do the most work on yourself & grow the most – trust me – i’m still somewhere in the middle of it!
and the further i get from my past life, the closer i get to my better life, where i have everything i want & i am able to do anything i want.
where i’m a better human being who is happier than ever.
where even my very worst days are still better than my very best days with my ex.
so, if anything you’re reading here is clicking with you – please know that i’ve been there, i’m still there & i’m always willing to be a sounding board for you.