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positive change

 

‘just for the record darling, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning’ – s c lourie

it’s been a long winter – in more ways than one.

but now that the weather is turning slightly warmer & people are coming out of hibernation, i find myself being invited out to things.

and i find myself actually going to these things.

in public. in social situations.

something i haven’t done in ages & something i honestly try to avoid.

i know it sounds silly but it’s become this stressful situation for me that i don’t even want to deal with most times.

when i was married, i completely stopped going out at all & only left the house to go to work or go for groceries. in the year & a bit that’s followed, i’ve spent most of my friday & saturday nights moping on the couch with the dog & a family sized bag of chips.

so getting dolled up & going out for dinner or to a pub or to a social with my friends feels strange. and uncomfortable.

and that feeling starts when standing in front of my closet trying to find something to wear. even at my slimmest i had a hard time picking out my clothes but after those bags of chips & the 20 extra pounds i have now – i change four or five times, trying to find pants that don’t make me look like a chubby bunny.

then, if i actually make it out the door & to the thing, i face the hardest part of all – meeting people. even though i meet new people all day long at work & interact with readers online every day – it’s different in real-life. i end up feeling weird & awkward & overly critical of myself.

it’s become blatantly obvious to me that through everything – my self-esteem has taken the biggest hit.

but i do want to go out & enjoy my life, see things & meet people, so it’s something that i’m working on.

and i am beyond grateful for my amazing friends who keep inviting me out – even when i decline three times in a row, or show up two hours late because i couldn’t find anything to wear.

i love you guys & you are saving me in ways i don’t even think you realize.

xxoo, k

3 thoughts on “positive change

  1. i sort of feel the same way as you do…but my circumstances are a little different…back in spring of 2019 I had kidney cancer surgery to remove a cancer tumor and was left with an 13inch incision on my abdominal right side of the body…since that time the stress has been overwhelming, from trying to recover with physical therapy which hasn’t worked too well, to being rushed by my workplace’s insurer to return to work even though I’m still unable to, and worst the few friends I had, have seem to disappeared, I have tried to stay positive all this time, but its hard when you look in the mirror to get dressed and all I see is a huge incision and a still heavily swollen abdomen. I cant even fit in my regular clothes, so just the act of getting ready to go out for errands or appointments causes a ton of stress and just shoots down my self esteem if I have any left….so the last thing on my mind is socializing as for some reason I feel inadequate and boring as I have noticed that my mind seems to be engulfed in fog…sorry for rumbling on and thanks if any one reads this.. R

  2. It sounds like you have social anxiety disorder. I used to be worse than you at that. If you’re interested, I can recommend some reading material for you that you might find helpful. Please feel free to -email me.

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