‘just for the record darling, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning’ – s c lourie
it’s been a long winter – in more ways than one.
but now that the weather is turning slightly warmer & people are coming out of hibernation, i find myself being invited out to things.
and i find myself actually going to these things.
in public. in social situations.
something i haven’t done in ages & something i honestly try to avoid.
i know it sounds silly but it’s become this stressful situation for me that i don’t even want to deal with most times.
when i was married, i completely stopped going out at all & only left the house to go to work or go for groceries. in the year & a bit that’s followed, i’ve spent most of my friday & saturday nights moping on the couch with the dog & a family sized bag of chips.
so getting dolled up & going out for dinner or to a pub or to a social with my friends feels strange. and uncomfortable.
and that feeling starts when standing in front of my closet trying to find something to wear. even at my slimmest i had a hard time picking out my clothes but after those bags of chips & the 20 extra pounds i have now – i change four or five times, trying to find pants that don’t make me look like a chubby bunny.
then, if i actually make it out the door & to the thing, i face the hardest part of all – meeting people. even though i meet new people all day long at work & interact with readers online every day – it’s different in real-life. i end up feeling weird & awkward & overly critical of myself.
it’s become blatantly obvious to me that through everything – my self-esteem has taken the biggest hit.
but i do want to go out & enjoy my life, see things & meet people, so it’s something that i’m working on.
and i am beyond grateful for my amazing friends who keep inviting me out – even when i decline three times in a row, or show up two hours late because i couldn’t find anything to wear.
i love you guys & you are saving me in ways i don’t even think you realize.