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my new normal

 

embarrassment.

that’s what i feel when this happens.

which is weird for me since i share so much here on the blog & i never really feel embarrassed otherwise.

but that’s exactly how i would describe my grief.

it embarrasses me when it sneaks up out of nowhere. when it overwhelms me. when it brings me to tears in the middle of my day.

i think that i’m fairly tough & have control over my emotional & mental state but when the grief comes over me & tears spring up out of nowhere i get embarrassed.

the heaviness settles into my chest & i’m ashamed that i’m not over it yet. i’m not over the loss of my former career, marriage & the loss of Harley.

and at times i think i should be.

i feel like months have gone by & i should be better.

i’m doing the therapy thing. the journaling thing. the inner work to heal the hurt.

so why aren’t i healed? why do these deep feelings of loss still pop up every now & again? are these setbacks a part of the healing process? or will i always feel my heart break a little when i think of what was?

i’d like to think it’s ‘normal’ to experience this kind of thing, but to be honest, i have no idea what my normal is anymore.

i also believe that everyone’s normal is different.

so if you’re grieving the loss of something from your past, i don’t want to tell you that it’s ‘normal’ but i do want you to know that you are not the only one.

it’s very real & it’s very hard some days. 

xxoo, k

6 thoughts on “my new normal

  1. You’re right. Everyone’s normal is different. I never tell someone “I know what you’re going through” nor do I want to hear it. Everybody is wired differently. It’s been over 6 years since I lost my wife to cancer, and little reminders will get me to tear up. Christmas…the birth of the first grandchild she wasn’t there for…Facebook memories that show up on my feed…weddings…it goes on. Someday, we’ll meet that person who will replace the pain&hurt with new love…..and new life. Never worry about feeling embarrassed.

  2. You are completely normal. Whether you are mourning the death of a loved one (furbaby or human) grief picks it’s own path.
    The feelings sneak up unexpectedly and catch you totally unaware. It may never go away completely but the corners get smoother and easier. My hubby passed 16 yrs ago and I still have periods of overwhelming grief. Let them come, you are healing Take care.

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