‘even if you could go back, you wouldn’t belong there anymore’
but for a long time, i really, really, really wanted to!
it’s the thought that rolled around in my head at 1 in the morning when i should have been sleeping.
it’s the thought that made me cry in my car when i was alone.
it’s the thought that followed me around & made me feel like every single decision i made was a mistake.
i always wanted to go back to my old life.
if you’ve been a reader for a while, you know that right before i got married, i felt like life was perfect.
i had a job, home, lifestyle & man i absolutely loved & i couldn’t have been happier & more excited to start my new chapter.
but after giving everything up & having everything else blow up in my face, i have been in some sort of weird loop.
trying to get by & trying to get back up time & time again, while carrying around some pretty heavy guilt & regret.
i felt like i completely destroyed my life.
and even though i did go through periods of wanting a fresh start, i was still stuck wishing for things to go back to how they were before.
but with every new season, or birthday, or big milestone, i would still try to start over & move on from what was.
i worked with different stylists to rebuild my wardrobe, i went through five very different (& some not-so-great) hairstyles, i tried different diets, workouts, therapies & meditation techniques, heck – i even went as far as changing my name!
i was willing to try anything to try to move on – but all i really wanted to do – was go back in time to when things were good.
in my old life, i saw a version of myself that was successful. happy. beautiful. whole.
then i saw what i had become. someone so broken she stayed in her house most of the time & only left to go to work. unhappy. unloved. miserable. mean. alone.
now i see somebody else. she’s different from those other two women.
i’m not 100% sure who she is, but i’d like her to be the one who’s at the top of her game.
a woman who looks after herself, loves her career, her home, her friends, her life.
somebody who knows her worth & acts, moves & lives like she loves herself.
eats right, exercises, meditates, reads, writes, volunteers.
makes time for friends & family.
somebody that has a certain style & way about her – that is uniquely her.
i know i can’t go back to who i was & what i used to be & honestly – i really don’t think i want to anymore.
i am evolving & i feel like i’m changing into somebody else completely different, who puts herself first.
i’ve never done that in my entire life & it feels strange but beautiful all at the same time.
and i’m dedicated to finding out who this fairly new woman is – what she likes, what she wants & what makes her, her.
we can all use some inspiration these days – so please feel free to share your own story of transformation below!