in the end, it all came down to trust.
of all the issues i had, of all the issues my husband had, of all the issues we created in our marriage – trust was the one that broke us.
now i know why trust in a relationship is so important, but i still found myself married to the biggest liar i’ve ever known.
and looking back now i can see how it all went down.
it was just little fibs at first… a few ‘white lies’ here & there, leaving out details in stories so i wouldn’t worry about things.
then a few bigger coverups that led to arguments & disagreements.
then the biggest lie of all that resulted in a complete breakdown of everything we had built together & had me packing my bags & showing up at my mama’s house.
not only had i been lied to for years at that point, but i had been lying to myself as well.
i refused to see the red flags as problems. i always believed him when he said that he would start being truthful with me. i wanted to keep giving him chance after chance after chance.
however, in the end, nothing about us was true anymore. he wasn’t a good guy & i wasn’t happy being with him.
and the saddest thing of all is – if he would have just been open & honest with me about everything from day one – we probably wouldn’t have had near as many fights.
our whole relationship could have been different.
but it was so much worse when he would lie to my face & then i would find out the real story later on.
it always left me feeling like an idiot… worrying about what else he was keeping from me, wondering why the person who loved me so much would want to deceive me.
being out of that toxic environment, i can understand that he wasn’t ‘protecting’ me at all by omitting details from things – he was protecting himself from having to take responsibility.
it’s not that he didn’t want me to ‘worry’ – he didn’t want me to get upset over what he had done.
and he certainly didn’t do it to keep me ‘happy’ – he did it to keep me from leaving.
but again – he wasn’t the only liar.
every time i would put a smile on my face at family gatherings (the few that we actually went to) & acted like the happy, healthy wife, i was lying.
each picture i posted on social media, showing us as a loving family, was a lie.
every time i said ‘i’m fine, things are great’, was yet, another lie.
and eventually i ended up hating the both of us.
actually, i think i hated myself a little more than i hated my husband, because i knew who he was, what he was capable of, but i still stayed with him.
until i couldn’t stay another second.
at the end of the day & at the end of our story, the truth (at least to me) is that he is an adult & if he truly loved me, he would have just been honest with me.
or he would have owned up to the things he did, apologized & changed his behaviour.
but that’s obviously not how it went & never again will i stay in a situation where i can’t trust the other person.
i will trust myself instead.