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‘i can see a better time when all our dreams come true…’

not every christmas is magical. not every christmas is joyful. or full of laughter. or full of love.

sometimes the holidays just suck. and if that’s where you are right now, you’re not alone.

and if you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself for feeling less than sparkly – you’re not alone in that either.

personally, i’m neither sparkly nor sad this christmas. i’m just here.

last year i was beyond heartbroken, having just left my husband & spending christmas alone.

it was a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning & i feel like i slept through most of the holidays.

this year, the realization has settled in that i will never have a christmas with that person again.

this will also be my first christmas since losing Harls to cancer.

the memories have been flooding back non-stop & i find myself mourning the loss of what have been the most significant relationships in my life so far.

but strangely at the same time, i’m feeling kinda, sorta hopeful.

i’m happier now than i have been in a very long time. i’m healthier. i’m slowly rebuilding my life back up.

by no means am i dancing around in reindeer antlers, singing christmas songs – but watching hallmark holiday movies no longer send me into crying fits so bad i have to excuse myself from the room.

those movies actually make me feel a little better. i know they’re fake as all heck but i don’t care. they’re love stories & they’re cute & i am a-okay spending a whole afternoon binge-watching candace cameron-bure.

with an eggnog latte. and mama’s homemade gingerbread cookies. and tiny christmas lights. fuzzy socks.

or taking long walks in the early morning air. listening to my friends excitedly sharing what they got their partners for christmas. looking at old pictures of Harley.

that’s what i’m focusing on this upcoming week – adding in the little things & the small moments that make me smile.

my life is far from whole & this christmas i am far from feeling okay but instead of worrying or feeling like i have to ‘fix’ everything right now, i’m just making sure i do the things i enjoy most.

that i’m spending time with the people i love most.

and i’ll get back to sparkly one day. and you will too. maybe even by next christmas.

xxoo, k

 

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