i noticed myself repeating this question over & over again in therapy the other day & it shocked me how often & how quickly i can go to a negative place.
when i think ‘but what if…” it’s almost always followed up with ‘it doesn’t work out’ or ‘i can’t do that’ or ‘i make the wrong decision’.
and i never used to be that way. i used to be ‘can do’ & ‘let’s go for it’ & ‘why not’.
but a series of losses & tougher times have left me afraid that nothing will ever work out ever again.
why is it so easy to fall into ‘i won’t get the job’ or ‘i’ll never lose the weight’ or ‘i’ll never pay off this debt’ or ‘they won’t really like me’?
it’s become my default to be worst case scenario & i’m not loving it.
but i am noticing it & i’m trying really hard to turn it around.
what if it does work out? what if i do find my dream house? what if i do meet someone i really like? what if my life does become better than before & i’m happier than ever? what if all the good things happened & all my dreams came true?
to be honest, even typing that out feels weird. almost like i’m lying to myself.
but i’m hoping that if i repeat it enough, write it down enough & try really, really hard to believe it, i can change the ending of my ‘but what if…’.