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new dreams, new directions

 

this beautifully spring-like weekend in february marks one whole year since i officially, completely moved out of my home, my marriage & my old life.

i had actually been gone since the november before but in my panicked rush to leave i only took some clothes, my favourite books & of course Harls.

back then i wasn’t sure if i was going to stay gone. i had tried to leave twice before but always ended up coming back.

by last january though, i knew that this was the time that would stick. that i was finally strong enough to follow through. that this was what i had to do.

so my brother, a friend & i took one last trip to what was at one point the home of all my dreams, with an empty trailer & my even emptier heart.

when the boys had my stuff packed up & were ready to go, i stood in the middle of what was my beautiful library with it’s stained glass windows & cried so many tears i thought they were never going to stop.

i left my marriage physically that day but i truly believe that my husband had left long ago, mentally & emotionally.

but in my heart, i was still there.

i left our home but he never left my heart.

on paper i know i made the right decision. even in the weeks & months that followed, when i was broken & miserable, i still knew it was the best choice.

now one year out, i’m excited to be looking for my very own home. i’ve never owned a home by myself before & the thought of being able to pick the one that’s all mine makes me so stupidly happy i can’t wipe this grin off my face.

but it’s still hard. and a little sad to be honest. i had this dream & a life that i was building with someone & now i have to rebuild my life & dream a very different dream.

everything is new & different & i find that i’m reminding myself several times a day that different doesn’t mean bad.

i’m also super aware of the fact that tons of time can pass & you can grow so much & come so far but then one picture or one song or one little memory can completely undo you.

this healing – even though it’s what i want & it’s what i’m going to continue to work on – is all over the place & so up & down it’s draining at times.

if you’re going back & forth with your own struggle or your own grief, please know that you are not alone. some of us are sea-sick on the daily from all the uneven emotions we have running through us.

xxoo, k

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