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leaving the past alone

‘even if you could go back, you wouldn’t belong there anymore’

but for a long time, i really, really, really wanted to!

it’s the thought that rolled around in my head at 1 in the morning when i should have been sleeping.

it’s the thought that made me cry in my car when i was alone.

it’s the thought that followed me around & made me feel like every single decision i made was a mistake.

i always wanted to go back to my old life.

if you’ve been a reader for a while, you know that right before i got married, i felt like life was perfect.

i had a job, home, lifestyle & man i absolutely loved & i couldn’t have been happier & more excited to start my new chapter.

but after giving everything up & having everything else blow up in my face, i have been in some sort of weird loop.

trying to get by & trying to get back up time & time again, while carrying around some pretty heavy guilt & regret.

i felt like i completely destroyed my life.

and even though i did go through periods of wanting a fresh start, i was still stuck wishing for things to go back to how they were before.

but with every new season, or birthday, or big milestone, i would still try to start over & move on from what was.

i worked with different stylists to rebuild my wardrobe, i went through five very different (& some not-so-great) hairstyles, i tried different diets, workouts, therapies & meditation techniques, heck – i even went as far as changing my name!

i was willing to try anything to try to move on – but all i really wanted to do – was go back in time to when things were good.

in my old life, i saw a version of myself that was successful. happy. beautiful. whole.

then i saw what i had become. someone so broken she stayed in her house most of the time & only left to go to work. unhappy. unloved. miserable. mean. alone.

now i see somebody else. she’s different from those other two women.

i’m not 100% sure who she is, but i’d like her to be the one who’s at the top of her game.

a woman who looks after herself, loves her career, her home, her friends, her life.

somebody who knows her worth & acts, moves & lives like she loves herself.

eats right, exercises, meditates, reads, writes, volunteers.

makes time for friends & family.

somebody that has a certain style & way about her – that is uniquely her.

i know i can’t go back to who i was & what i used to be & honestly – i really don’t think i want to anymore.

i am evolving & i feel like i’m changing into somebody else completely different, who puts herself first.

i’ve never done that in my entire life & it feels strange but beautiful all at the same time.

and i’m dedicated to finding out who this fairly new woman is – what she likes, what she wants & what makes her, her.

we can all use some inspiration these days – so please feel free to share your own story of transformation below!

or join us on instagram, facebook & twitter.

 

xxoo, k

3 thoughts on “leaving the past alone

  1. What a wonderful post. You are moving forward at your own pace. It is great to see how far you have come and how much you have grown. Baby steps dear lady. You did not get to where you were in a few days and change will not happen overnight. Just keep on keeping on doing what you have been doing…take care

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