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april showers, april tears

 

the end of april is a tough time of year for me.

it was when i took the step that would completely change everything.

when i packed up my life & made the move to be with the man who i thought was a forever thing.

a decision that i regretted for a long, long time.

you see, up until that point, i was living my dream life.

i had a fulfilling & exciting career, a place i loved in a city that had become my home & a husband i couldn’t get enough of.

and although we lived in two different provinces, we seemed to be doing great at the whole long distance love deal.

until we weren’t.

that’s when i made the extremely difficult & gut wrenching decision to quit my job, box up the house i loved, kiss my friends goodbye & move to be with my husband.

and that was the beginning of the end.

i know it sounds crazy that i didn’t mind being apart from him. it probably looks pretty bad that i chose to work & live somewhere else. that i was okay with it.

but i was. and that’s just how i was built.

and it turns out that i was better off staying put.

i started 2018 with everything. i ended 2018 with nothing.

one bad decision after another & ignoring my gut – led to me living back at my mama’s – homeless, husbandless & all around hopeless.

regretting everything.

i thought i gave up too many things that were important to me. i wished i never left my old life behind. i felt guilty that even though i had my family here & a wonderful new job, it still didn’t feel like my home.

i believed i was an idiot for changing my whole life for a man… a man who treated me the way he did & hurt me the way he did.

i felt weak, stupid, embarrassed & robbed.

robbed of the life i should have had.

that was two years ago.

and i’m finally starting to feel okay again. like i’m moving on from a painful past.

my heart doesn’t break when i talk to my friends back ‘home’. i’ve stopped crying when i see pictures of us. and most of the time i no longer regret the choices i made.

april might still be a significant time for me, but it’s more a time to reflect on what happened.

on where i was & where i want to go.

my mama once told me my life would come back tenfold what it was… well i finally feel like it just might.

and i can’t wait to see how i feel this time next year…

xxoo, k

4 thoughts on “april showers, april tears

  1. For myself next April will be a struggle. My aunt passed away on the 5th and I’m still coming to terms with that. BTW If and when I move I’m stealing the way you label your boxes !!

  2. I’ve been through what you are going through. It was years ago and now I have a husband that treats me like I’m a princess. I get to do my own think he does his and then we get together. You my dear will find this too. Just don’t settle. Your strong and healthy so enjoy this time for yourself.

  3. You have been bruised and beaten but you have not let it keep you down. You will rise above it and keep going. There will be bad times, but eventually there will be more good than bad. Keep on keeping on my girl. You can do it!

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