the end of april is a tough time of year for me.
it was when i took the step that would completely change everything.
when i packed up my life & made the move to be with the man who i thought was a forever thing.
a decision that i regretted for a long, long time.
you see, up until that point, i was living my dream life.
i had a fulfilling & exciting career, a place i loved in a city that had become my home & a husband i couldn’t get enough of.
and although we lived in two different provinces, we seemed to be doing great at the whole long distance love deal.
until we weren’t.
that’s when i made the extremely difficult & gut wrenching decision to quit my job, box up the house i loved, kiss my friends goodbye & move to be with my husband.
and that was the beginning of the end.
i know it sounds crazy that i didn’t mind being apart from him. it probably looks pretty bad that i chose to work & live somewhere else. that i was okay with it.
but i was. and that’s just how i was built.
and it turns out that i was better off staying put.
i started 2018 with everything. i ended 2018 with nothing.
one bad decision after another & ignoring my gut – led to me living back at my mama’s – homeless, husbandless & all around hopeless.
i thought i gave up too many things that were important to me. i wished i never left my old life behind. i felt guilty that even though i had my family here & a wonderful new job, it still didn’t feel like my home.
i believed i was an idiot for changing my whole life for a man… a man who treated me the way he did & hurt me the way he did.
i felt weak, stupid, embarrassed & robbed.
robbed of the life i should have had.
that was two years ago.
and i’m finally starting to feel okay again. like i’m moving on from a painful past.
my heart doesn’t break when i talk to my friends back ‘home’. i’ve stopped crying when i see pictures of us. and most of the time i no longer regret the choices i made.
april might still be a significant time for me, but it’s more a time to reflect on what happened.
on where i was & where i want to go.
my mama once told me my life would come back tenfold what it was… well i finally feel like it just might.
and i can’t wait to see how i feel this time next year…